You Take My Breath Away!

I haven't been on my computer a lot recently.  So when I turned it on and my screen popped up, there he was!  My beautiful Peter smiling at me.  My heart just about lept from my chest.  I felt all tingly and 2 thoughts collided at the same time;

#1 What a handsome little boy he is and  #2  The Lord willing, very soon we will be bringing him home!

It so thrilled me that I wanted to burst.  How very exciting it is to be receiving the gift of Peter!  Our church family is chomping at the bit to meet him, Eliot, his big brother prays for him to come home right now, and the girls, well they melt into tears.  Thommy and I have plastered Peter's pictures everywhere we are.  We have to look at him.  I wish you could see him.  We can't wait to post his picture.

We cried recently when we realized that we probably wouldn't be going to get him for his birthday.  But then we asked if we could send him something and we got a yes.  We each sent something that we hope he would like and heartfelt wishes and prayers for his very special 3rd birthday.  Where did all this love come from that is in our hearts for this little one that we haven't met yet?

1 John 4:19 says,"We love because He (God) first loved us."

God created that little face to be apart of our family.  What an awesome privilege it is to become Peter's Mommy.  I can't wait to have him in our home and begin this chapter of his forever life with him.  What will be his favorite color?  What will be his favorite food?  What instrument will he play?  What song will be his first?  The thrill for me is that I will be there for all of it and jealous not to miss any single little detail.  God's grace has flooded my soul with joy all these years raising Emily and Megan and recently Eliot.  I can trust that very same grace will await the very first moments together with Peter and all the way through our lives.  Nothing can compare to the wondrous love the Father lavishes on us.  It's getting so hard to wait.  O Lord, hurry the day. . .

Attaching = Trusting

We recently received an update from Hong Kong about Peter!  Getting 4 new pictures and reading that they were taken while he was out with his workers getting visa pictures and medicals surely excited us.  His care giver even shared a wonderful observation about Peter and his ability to charm folks and imitate people.  Then we received what we believe to be the most encouraging of all news. . .Peter is aware that something is changing and is signing that he is scared!  He has been pushing some volunteers away and wanting only his staff workers during these times. 

It's one of the many sobering moments in adoption.  The future family is all excited to go and bring home their little one.  The little one however, is overwhelmed and fearful because everything is changing for them.  For Peter, his entire culture, residence, smells, sounds, language, and routine will be changing.  He probably won't be too happy right away, perhaps even rejecting one or both of us initially.   All we will be to him is compassionate unfamiliar strangers.  We will do our best to comfort him, but for him, that might not be enough right off the bat.  Are we prepared?  Maybe a little more than when we brought our little boy Eliot home 4 years ago.  By God's grace, we have learned so much about training our son during these specific adoption issues he has faced and have become convinced that showing Eliot that he can trust us, a million times a day IS what we need to do in order for him to continue to grow in his identity as a Guatemalan Inglin.  Isn't that what God does for us as His dearly loved children, millions of times a day throughout the duration of our adoption into His family?

We learned in an attachment workshop we recently attended that trust is crucial in the first two years of life.  Some orphaned children have trouble then because that cycle was interrupted by the trauma of being placed in an orphanage or foster home. When we read that Peter was communicating that he was scared and clinging to those who have comforted him the most, God brought a bit of that session to the fore front of our thinking. If a child has made emotional attachments with his workers or foster families, he will in all likelihood be able to make those same ones with his forever family.  (Not a direct quote, just what came to my mind.)  Peter will be 3 and maybe unable to communicate with us right away.  We are praying right now for great compassion and patience for that time and for the rest of his life and ours together.  I have also been praying for him this prayer:

"Peter remember, God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 

Only God knows how it will be, of course, because He has it all planned out.  Just like with all of our other children, we will feel the sanctifying grace of God pouring out into our family.  That Peter, as well as the rest of us, will need help in the weeks and months ahead, and the God who created all of it will be there in the midst of the commotion, leading, guiding, comforting and loving us.  We can lean our whole weight on Him.  What a privilege it will be to be Peter's mommy and help him to trust again!  And what an awesome God I can point Peter to during times of human weakness and tell him that God will never fail him.  That when he is afraid, he can trust in God.  We will be able to model this for him because that's what God has been showing us all through our redeemed lives. And, it's what we have passed and will continue to pass on to our daughters and our young sons.

(Mom Thought) "Peter, God IS doing this work and He will lovingly complete it for you.  Daddy and I are looking forward to stepping into your story and loving you through the ups and downs of life.  What an incredible life God has prepared for you son! Be at Peace!"

Breakfast for Three!

Our daughters Emily and Megan have moved downstairs in the in-law apartment.  They have a kitchenette and their own bathroom, front door entrance and their very own address.  They have been in the apartment now for 1 year and are loving it.  We gather for family devotions upstairs every morning at 7 a.m. and share dinners as a whole family.  Lunches are with me and the kids.  We have been preparing our dear girls for their futures.  They have been taught how to cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, along with learning how to manage a budget and a home.  Any man would be blessed to marry such fine girls because first they love their Savior, Jesus Christ, second they love His people and third they love the home.

So Thom, Eliot and I found ourselves one Saturday morning eating breakfast together.  Conversation is sure different with men around.  We talk about dragons, and baseball.  Jesus can't just be God's Son but a SUPER Hero!! with big muscles who scares all the monsters away.  There is a lot more "Mommy your beautiful's" and "I'm gonna squash that bug!" than with the girls when they were growing up.  There's more space in between comments, an easiness if you will.  I love my new season with my boys.  Can't wait for Peter's dynamic!

(Side Thought)  Emily and Megan love to share all that they think with Thom and I.  We have revelled in every detail over the years and sometimes asked them to stop!  When Eliot first came home from Guatemala, the girls were still upstairs and inevitably, the conversation would get loud and raucous and our dear Eliot would get out of control trying to be apart of the fun and forget to eat.  This still happens from time to time when we sit down for supper together and Thom and I love both scenarios. . .but we are enjoying watching our boy unfold like we have for all these years with Em and Megs.  Not better, just different and it fits the season just perfectly.

We found ourselves thinking and then sharing with each other that this is what our future is going to look like.  Thom, Eliot, Peter and myself.  How exciting.  I can't wait to see Eliot and Peter develop there own way of communicating as I have loved watching in our girls.  Anticipating the physical-ness of it all makes me smile.  (I bet all 6 of us at the dinner table will be very exciting, exuberant and boisterous.)  We wonder what kinds of field trips would these guys like to go on.  Will it be ice cream runs in pj's or a cheese pizza before bed?  How much bug repellent will we go through or sun screen for all the outdoorsy things boys love to do?  When will Jesus command their hearts and how will God use these guys for His purposes?  Don't you love to dream?

In the near future we may have many changes in our family.  Peter, with his Designed syndrome (DS), being added, Eliot starting home school, Emily turning 20 and completing her technical schooling, Megan graduating from High School and pursuing her life's desire to work with children.  Perhaps there will be offers of marriage for our girls.  Even down the line, grandchildren.  The Father is so kind to have planned our lives to be so rich.  We don't have monetary wealth or any material wealth.  We won't be known for anything spectacular like Olympic medals or PhD's or stellar accomplishments. 

No, I want to be found in the quiet morning breakfasts watching bugs, long drives to therapy sessions, late night heart to hearts, and get aways with my dearest Thommy.  The smiles, the laughter, the tears, the mess!, the joy!  Yes, I want all of that.  And even when times are hard, and people move or leave this earth, the joy of knowing that my life and the lives of my loved ones are handed to me as a gift by God will be my boast, my treasure.  And when the whole world goes mad and rents their garments at me and screams, "Why have you spent your life like that?"  "Where is your education?"  "Where are your certificates?"  "Where is the fruit of your life, the value?"  I will humbly point to my Savior, Jesus, my husband Thom, my daughters Emily and Megan, my sons Eliot and Peter and my church family and say, "These are the gifts God has given to me, my most precious possessions.  God's grace has kept me and equipped me to be the best daughter of God, wife to Thom and mother to my children.  I have lived a passionate life in the midst of our church family and by God's grace, participated fully in His body.  I throw myself on the mercy of God and His saving grace.   That's all I have!  That's all I want!"

So back to breakfast, there is so much more to adding Peter to the mix than his DS.  How will his soul and spirit capture our hearts like our other children?  And breakfast for 3 will become 4 and maybe the volume will go back up.  I will be in the middle of it with joy.  Everything from His hand is perfect.  Looking forward to God's future grace with eager anticipation.

Cake and Eat it Too!!!

Great News!  The Article 5 letter has been sent to the orphanage! You will be hearing from the consulate in 6-12 weeks. . . .

6 - 12 weeks!  That seems like such a long time to me and at first hearing I just sighed deeply.  I haven't really grasped the concept of how long things take in the adoption process and always seem to be initially discouraged with the time lines.  But then God reminds me Who really is in control.  He is!

(Back Story 1)  During the adoption of our son Eliot, several things were happening all around the possible times we could travel to get him.  A beloved Nephew was getting married, Youth camp for the girls, work related events for Thommy and getting ready for a little guy to come home.  I remember our paper work coming out of the Embassy and being told, only 8 weeks more,  and then this stage!  Only 6 weeks more and then that stage.  And here we are again, 2 weeks here, 6 - 12 weeks there.  God, please help me spiritually handle Peter's adoption differently.   And by His grace only I am beginning to.

God is nudging me into belief!  We ARE going to go and get Peter.  The Article 5 letter IS in the hands of the orphanage and we HAVE received Peter's medical papers.  God wants me to be excited about getting Peter and being at all the other family things going on.  Here's just a small list:

Megan's home school graduation
Megan's last Youth camp
Megan's last piano recital
Megan's permit test
Graduation celebrations
Emily's 20th birthday
Emily's driver's test
Pool Registration for Eliot
Coordinating medical teams for Peter
Organizing play area for 2 boys
A family baby shower
Mother's day
Father's day
Work related training for Thommy

The list goes on.  God has answered all of these requests and more AND. . .  Thommy and I WILL pick up Peter.  See, we get our cake and eat it too!!!!  God is always faithful and He fulfills His promises precisely when He planned to.  How delicious it is to be the recipient of answered prayers exactly when your soul really needs to be encouraged. 

Happy Mother's day to all of you waiting Moms.  Because we share this common bond I am praying that God fills your heart with joyful anticipation, lifts your gaze to His beautiful face, floods your souls with peace, tears flow freely, and praise will pour forth to our Great Creator who works all things together for our good and the good of HIS waiting little ones.

 

Joyful Anticipation!

My son wasn't having any of it!  His face was red, his little foot stomping, and boy was he growling.  Why?  I said no.  In his little mind, playing with a bunch of kids in the backyard should have been OK and immediately embraced by me.  But being 4 years old, he couldn't know what I did.  Much later, after he went to bed I was drawn back to the scene.  I wondered, "Is that what I look like to God when He doesn't do what I want?"  God was going to further my education using the behavior of my son to reveal a pattern of grumbling and questioning in my own heart.

Philippians 2:14 -15 says, "Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world..."

"When are we going to go and get Peter? " It's my big question these days.  Then there's the "well if we go at the end of May we won't miss Megan's graduation or youth camp.  But then we'll miss Emily's 20th birthday!  O Lord, this is too hard to think about."  Once again I find my heart embroiled in things that are none of my business, and neglecting the things that I could be doing now.  The endearing term I use for this happening in my life is called "Playing God with No Qualification!"  How Funny!  God called us to the adoption of this little boy.  God created him with DS and God has been in control of the whole process since the beginning of time.  So instead of joyful anticipation of Peter's homecoming, I find myself in grumbling resignation to God's plan.

Grateful thought!  I am ever so grateful that God is long-suffering, merciful, patient and forgiving of all my iniquities (even the ones I commit over and over again!)

So in the middle of this week, with yet another complaint lodged in my heart and about to spill out of my mouth, I heard that still small voice asking, "Why not anticipate my perfect timing of Peter's arrival and joyfully prepare for his homecoming?"  The "It's All About Me" race I have found myself running screeched to a halt.  My mouth hung open as tears began to fill my eyes as I considered the question.  I was doing it again, for the millionth time!  I was listening to myself and my limited thinking and not waiting and relying on my Sovereign God!  No wonder I was feeling sad, frustrated and sleepy.  No wonder the mountain of complaints were heaping up and burying me under!  I had been throwing a temper fit over something I could only see from my perspective!  I was hardening my heart to the Only One who knows everything and jumping up and down because things weren't going to happen my way.  Did God say we would never bring Peter home?  No!  He just didn't say when.  Did God fill me in on the plans of how everything was going to work together in our family?  No!  But His word says we can trust Him implicitly.  So what was the problem?

Well, it is the same problem my little 4 year old has.  Just like him, I can only see my side of things and they don't suit my way. . .And so, just like him, I have pitched a grown-up temper fit by making what I want and the timing of what I want my focus.  Just like my son, I think that I have the best understanding of the situation and want all the powers at be to hop through the hoop and make it happen.  After Eliot got done his temper fit, and after we talked about what had happened, he was exhausted and terribly sorry for what he had done.  He climbed up into my lap, hugging me tightly, with tears in his eyes asking me to forgive him.  Just like I did after God helped me to see. . .

So Duh!!! Why would I want my way?  Why grumble and question my faithful and wise heavenly Father?  Why not wait for the perfect way God will bring about His plan for Peter to come home?  And why not in the meantime, wait with joyful anticipation of his arrival?  Why Not?  The way God works things together in my life has always thrilled and amazed me!  The turning point came soon after the question and with it, peace.  Stop complaining, keep praying and be busy with the things God has given me to do.  I am grateful that God recaptured my gaze, forgave me yet again and put my hand to what He has for me to do.  God wastes nothing, not even the wait! 

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and In Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  AMEN!!!"  Eph. 3:20-21

Adding to the Story

Crossfire was progressing nicely.  It is the youth group of our church, Christ Community Church, in which our daughter, Megan, participates.  The phone rang:

"Hello Jill? My husband and I have been praying for Peter's adoption and want to know what do you need?"

We really don't know how to answer that question.  As it stands, if the call came to go and get Peter, we could pull it together. We don't want to be greedy and say that we could use the help if we really don't.  But is that what God is doing?  I stammered and then said we'd see them in church after we look at the numbers and give them an answer.  The question that stumped me was, what do we need?  Seems pretty simple, look up the numbers and the totals and tell them the lack.  Again, I got the distinct impression that God was going to teach me something.  Funny enough, Thom and I never really made it to church that Sunday and we weren't able to talk with our friends about what we needed.  God's delay.

All through this adoption journey God has been weaving lots of different folks into Peter's story including us.  And what a wonderful beginning this tapestry has.  We don't know what to say to our friends.  We hope that God would lead them into their section of Peter's story and do what God impresses on them to do.  What we have learned is that we really don't know what we need - only God knows that.  We can trust His plans.  And we have seen this play out over and over again.

This process is so much more than the wheres, the whens and the hows.  It really is about the Who, the central character in all of our stories including Peter's.  GOD!  There is never a twist or turn that isn't carefully scripted in.  No governmental agency, no red tape, no missing finger prints, no lost luggage, nothing can thwart the plans of our God.  What does it matter what it looks like to us?  We can only see one dimensionally!  God sees it all from before the beginning of time, all of it, before it began.  Who can stand against God?  Who can fathom His plans?  Our son is coming home exactly when God planned for him to come home.  When that day comes, God will receive that ultimate glory and praise for it as we drink in the sweetness of our little boy.

Peter's story is just beginning.  There will be chapters and characters added everyday. Many other characters, whom Peter has not even met, have already been an integral part in his story.   I can't see where this road will lead us, I am not the central character of Peter's story.  I am not the Author, I am just a grateful, excited participant. 

And so what do we say to our friends?  We are going to tell them that we would be very grateful for their help. They are great prayer warriors and we know that God has moved their hearts on behalf of Peter.  Why?  We have no idea what need their contribution will meet.  But God does.  And like so many others that have given to Peter's adoption fund, exactly when we needed it before we knew we needed it, we will add our friends.  And when Peter meets them, we will tell him about their amazing part of his story.

Trisomy 21!

My husband and I had the privilege to spend all day Saturday, learning about Down's Syndrome.  We felt so connected to Peter and so grateful for all these giants in the field of DS.  We were exhilarated and exhausted at the same time.  We attended the 8th annual Trisomy 21 conference at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.  They have a whole group of medical professionals devoted to DS and all that entails from therapies to specialists dealing with the physical challenges that come from the extra chromosome.

(Back Story 1)  When we knew that adopting Peter was what God was calling us to we immediately did two things.  Prayed and prayed some more.  What came out of those times of prayer was locating the local DS Support group for our county of Berks, PA.  We discovered that the group met right around the corner from our home.  We have been going now for a whole year and have learned so much from all the families that attend.  The advocate for the group, Donna Wolf, is very knowledgeable on the topic of DS and right away, she sent us home with a whole big bag of books to read.  And boy have we read.

We have been to a lot of training courses that are given by Bethany Christian Services (BCS).  They have been informative, helpful and on target about the challenges one might face before, during and after placement of the adoptive child.  We feel very well equipped and refreshed as well on some areas pertaining to our first adoption through them with Eliot.  But not a lot of the training was hands-on instruction concerning DS.  The books we read, the people we have met with and gained support and wisdom from their experiences with DS, were great.  At that time we really believed that we were prepared for Peter.  However, after going to this wonderful DS event, we knew that there was so much more to learn and that whatever needs Peter may have, whether therapeutic or medicinal, there will be a place that can help us and give us answers.

(Back Story 2)  Thom and I have both read a lot of great books on DS this past year.  When we received Peter's medical evaluations and therapeutic evaluations we were able to track along with the information and were very encouraged and grateful for the care he has been receiving.  Then the video!  Oh my, seeing my son walking, laughing, singing, signing, playing, writing, eating, climbing, and the list goes on, made me laugh out loud with joy.  I had read up on all that I was seeing and I was so happy to see such wonderful progress he was making and how well cared for he was.  I wouldn't have known what I was seeing if it weren't for the books we had read.

Then the conference!  It started out with Dr. Brian Skotko, a Pediatric Doctor specializing in special needs children, specifically DS from Children's Hospital of Boston.  He had written a book called Common Threads containing various interviews with adult DS folks highlighting their accomplishments.  After each interview he would ask a question to help us to dream about Peter's possibilities and each question infused courage, hope with an outpouring of tears.  And there are so many more books for us to read pertaining to so many other ways to come alongside our little ones and help them to grow.  Susan Levine co-authored a book with Brian Skotko called Fasten Your Seat Belts which centered around siblings and there questions and lives with their DS brothers or sisters.  Susan Levine has been working in the counseling field doing sibling workshops for families with special needs for over 32 years. 

The professionals were so well educated and approachable and I also found the parents were a great resource as well.  The questions they asked during the panel discussion which included, an allergist, a pediatric Dr., an orthopedic pediatric Dr. and a physical therapist, made me realize one thing.  I had a whole lot more to learn!  And God was showing Thom and I, yet again, that He will provide everything Peter needs to become all that God has planned for him to be.

So, we have more things to read, more webinars to watch, more questions to ask and a place to ask them.  Information is freedom and we are grateful for it.  Peter isn't even home yet.  God in His wisdom has made sure that we will be well equipped for the day when he does come home and all the days following.  We are grateful recipients again and again of God's wonderful provision and all the praise goes to Him!