A Long Rich Process!

Our Social Worker (SW) called and told us she was going on maternity leave and we'd be reassigned to another SW.  Both SW's were going over our case and realized that our FBI clearance, Child Abuse clearance and Fingerprinting needed to be redone.  $200 later we had all the paperwork turned around in a day.  It was at this point that I wanted the process over.  What was supposed to be a 6-9 month process has turned into 15 months.  Our son spent his 3rd birthday in the orphanage that we dearly dreamed we'd celebrate face to face.  After some rather discouraging moments of the soul, I cried out to God asking for the process to be over and for Peter to be home with us forever.

(Jill Picture)  I have been called a very passionate person.  When disappointments come my way I often times do not respond positively initially, rather I react negatively.  My husband calls it the "poor me" phase.  It's during these times when I wait for God alone to speak to me and quiet my soul.  To make sense of the loose ends that have once again entangled me.  After my Father carefully untangles me, wipes my tears away, lifts my gaze to Him, He comforts me as only He can.  For the millionth time He showed me where I was and that is right in the palm of His hand.  SECURE!

God reminded me to look over all the events of this adoption.  To see all the ways He has moved miraculously.  To remember all the lives that have been knitted into Peter's tapestry.  Again very aware that I am not God, He is! and He has everything under control worked out in His timing.  But there was something else.  God doesn't want a bunch of stoics walking around saying, "No, no, I am not sad, or frustrated or mad or disappointed!  God works all things together for good."  He was calling me to bring my sorrows, my disappointments, my fears to Him.  He showed me that He wants to fellowship with me through all of life not just the parts that go according to my plan.  I became freshly aware that God was jealous that my passions would bring praise to Him no matter what I was experiencing or seeing with my natural eye.  That's why He gave me such a heart.

But God, what if something delays the process even further and we have to do the immigration paperwork all over again?  What if all the money you gave us is spent and when it comes time to travel we will be stuck?  What if, What if, What if!  No Peace.  Robbed of joy by 2 little words, "What If". 

(A Prayer) Father, Abba, please quiet my heart!  My mind is too small to even figure out the smallest detail of my own life let alone this whole adoption process.  Please hear my prayers and answer them for I am weary and heavy in spirit.  I cannot wear that "God's in control smile" today!  All I can show is unbelieving tears!  O Jesus, help me in my unbelief to believe!  Strengthen my weak knees and my feeble hands and remind me Holy Spirit whose family I belong to!  Have your full way with me O God!  Love Your trembling Daughter.

Then God brings me here because He loves me:

Psalm 23!  The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.  (You are my Abba and You will supply all that I need and take care of all the details) He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me besides still waters.  (You will comfort my troubled soul with tender care)  He restores my soul.  He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.  (The road of adopting Peter seems long, but You are my hope.  You have not let me wander off the path because of Your glory and for my good.)  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (even though it seems like our circumstances are taking a turn) I will fear no evil (I will trust in You) for You are with me (my greatest joy) Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (All through this adoption I am being sanctified and disciplined to follow You and not what I perceive is happening and I am comforted.)  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; (You wipe away every one of my tears.) My cup overflows! (Once again, You have lifted my gaze from the situation and I am looking at Your Beauty and praise and courage pour in.)  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (I am so grateful for this life, ALL of it, every single bit) and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  (Thank you Father!  Thank you for the tangibleness of these truths!)

My passions are redirected, my knees have been strengthened, my hands made useful and the chaff of all my fears have evaporated.  God did it WITH me and through me as WE faced the fears of my weaknesses.  I still hope that we can get Peter sooner than later, I love him so. . .but for now, I just want to bask in the goodness of my Father and the green pastures and the still waters of this Long Rich Process.